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  >  Blog   >  “Are you fucking stupid?”

Hearing those words stung. It hurt, like needle sharp pains stabbing at your soul. It made me want to cry. My ex-boyfriend had yelled at me because I had forgotten to check the expiration date for the milk. I was in a rush to get home before traffic so I’d have time to make him dinner so I didn’t get a chance to check the expiration date.

The second time he said it was when I forgot how to properly address his grandparents in Chinese; it was my first time meeting them so I was very nervous and I tried my best to leave a good first impression. But instead I said the wrong thing and he ended up mocking me in the presence of the very people I was trying to impress.

What I had hoped to be rare occurrences quickly became a habit. He started calling me stupid more often, whenever I made a mistake, wore clothes he didn’t like, asked him for help with my Chinese, or when he was just upset in general. He lashed out at me, berated me, calling me “笨蛋” (aka idiot in Chinese), in front of his friends, in front of his family.

I remember telling him once how I felt, how much it hurt when he called me “stupid”, but he only looked at me and proclaimed that it was his way of teaching me not to make mistakes instead. He said I was over-sensitive and that I was “stupid” for even feeling bad about it. He said it was a joke and that it was my fault for making the mistakes that I did.

Eventually as the years passed and I lost the pain associated with him saying it, I became numb to it. He had said it so often that I just accepted it for what it was. And I thought I was over it, until years later, after breaking up and being left to fend for myself in China, I realized that without knowing, the word “stupid” had already been implanted into my brain; I began believing that I really was stupid.

After the breakup, I was devastated and heartbroken. I started looking for jobs, any kind of job because I needed something to occupy my mind with. I applied to all the jobs that were related to Psychology, the major I’d chosen in college, but because I had left for China right after college, I had no experience and was rejected. I did this for a few months, and embarrassed that I wasn’t able to find employment even after searching for such a long time, I applied as a waitress at a local Japanese restaurant near my house.

I worked there and was quickly promoted, but still felt unsatisfied with where my life was going. I still felt empty. The self-esteem I had was virtually non-existent. I was afraid, afraid of trying new things, meeting new people, afraid of making mistakes. Whenever something happened, even when it wasn’t my mistake (i.e. a customer asking to see the manager because I had refused to go to the supermarket next door to buy gum for them), I felt disappointed with myself. I felt useless. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get out of the situation I had been in. I felt stupid for not having control over my life, for letting my emotions get the best of me.

It wasn’t until a year or later when things started picking up after a few friends had invited me to work on a startup alongside of them.

The experience I’d gained from working in a startup, with friends, gave me back the confidence and self-esteem I needed.

I remember the very first week when I started, I made a critical mistake. Instead of emailing the client his invoice, I had emailed him our team’s spreadsheet with what we were going to charge him. The difference between the invoice and the spreadsheet I had sent him was that the spreadsheet showed exactly how much we marked up our services by, and how much profits we made off of him. If the client decided not to work with us again, it was a mistake worth thousands of dollars.

I brought it to my team’s attention, promising to pay out of my own pocket for the potential losses, and apologized for being stupid.

I had expected the worst, but then they looked at me and said:

Stupid? Why would you think that? Mistakes happen by situation, not by intention. Any one of us could’ve sent the wrong email; it just happened to be you. Instead of bringing yourself down over a situation that’s already happened, pick yourself up and figure out what to do next. And next time, don’t call yourself stupid because you’re not. There’s a reason why you’re in this startup.

It’s ironic because I had once wanted to cry when my ex-boyfriend called me “stupid” for the very first time, and now I had wanted to cry again because someone told me I wasn’t. It was the first time, in a very long time, that someone accepted me and acknowledged my mistakes as being more situational than intentional, allowing me to understand that what was more important was to learn from our mistakes than to dwell on them. That I wasn’t stupid in the first place for making mistakes. It’s a moment I’ll forever look back on.

Fast forward a year or two later, I ended up going to Taiwan with the rest of the team. It was there when I fell in love with traveling and decided to go back alone the year after.

Having traveled all around Southeast Asia for the greater part of a year has broadened my mind. And along with writing, working out, and discovering who I am and what I’m capable of, I’ve come to a realization: that in this world, there isn’t anyone who’s stupid. There are only people who are less-fortunate or less experienced, but neither of whom are stupid.

People often interpret the lack of experience for stupidity, but in truth, it’s a reflection of their limited point of view because they lack the experience to see things from your perspective.They justify your actions with their experiences because they can’t see beyond what they know. Think about this: If you go to a different country and have trouble adapting because of the language differences, does that make you stupid? No. If you go to a different country and don’t realize their traditions, does that make you stupid? No.

And even if we do make mistakes, for whatever reason, it’s our mistakes. Not anyone else’s. They don’t get to judge.

We all make mistakes, even the best of us, and it’s actually a good thing. Mistakes are the reason why we grow — stupidity, for the lack of a better word has nothing to do with making mistakes. It’s frustrating, and often painful to make these mistakes, but eventually you’ll come to realize that there’s more good from it than harm. Because with every mistake you make and learn from, you’ll carry with you a new bit of knowledge that will be key to making you smarter, stronger, and well-prepared for an unexpected future.

I’m rebuilding my life by discovering who I am, learning what I’m capable of after a 9 year heartbreak that left me stranded in China.

Comments:

  • Elmer Erana

    March 5, 2018

    I like the growth here, and the props for the startup members for supporting their teammates.

  • Samuel Neatherlin

    March 12, 2018

    As a youth, I was made to feel odd and stupid. Not only by my fellow classmates but by members of my own family. To them I was beneath them and would end up just as my father, their brother, did. This was exacerbated by everything, no matter how hard I tried, I fell short. Even if I tried harder than 75% of the others. To this day, my self confidence, is virtually non-existent. So I fail in that too, and have to listen to others say “You need confidence” which just like overcoming depression or suicidal thoughts, is easier said than done. I’ve even told my boss, “I didn’t mess up intentionally so I can be berated by you.” I did my best again, and it fell short. So yes I understand how it can stick with you if a way to overcome is not found.

  • BOB

    September 9, 2018

    Your ex-boyfriend is a cunt and should have been slapped silly.

  • Lauren

    October 11, 2018

    Thank you for sharing. No one should ever be called stupid. It cuts a relationship off from feeling safe.

  • Melissa

    January 24, 2019

    Tiffany thanks for sharing. Just coming out of a similar situation myself. I have a business degree and run my own small company making more than my boyfriend, but he would always look at me with such contempt and find ways to bring me down. If I made him dinner after work (when we both work) he would complain if I was still cooking and it was not ready when he walked through the door. If I left a window open or like you, forgot to throw something past its expiration he would go mad at me calling me a retard. He would even criticize things like the way I washed the dishes or cleaned the bathroom. It got to the point where I was running around trying to not make mistakes. I am really really busy working for myself and often don’t find enough hours in the day. I needed to have an eye test and I hadn’t made the appointment until 2 weeks later. He said it was because I was too stupid to manage my schedule correctly (didn’t accept that I am just really busy with clients!) These people are abusive control freaks. I’m so sad to hear about what you went through. All of that considered I’m sad to leave after a few years. I’m hoping coming out the other side gives relief.

  • Bianca

    June 6, 2019

    Omggg thank you! This absolutely means everything to me! I am just 14 but I’ve been struggling with this my whole life -( in particular in my schooling life) theres been tIMES like even today where I feel so very emotional and helpless that I consider taking my own life because I am belittle by my peers and even MYSLEF! I think part of the reason why i am misudnerstood for being unintllegient is because I think that way before I even do the task.And so I stop MYSLEF form even learning because I’ve been so traumatised.That whatever people name me is how I think of MYSLEF.But finally yes sometimes I’m not the brightest, and don’t have a lot of common sense but again that’s due to lack of experience and unhelathy people who are not patient so how can I learn?!?!?!

  • Ariana

    June 7, 2019

    Wow…was dating someone who also made.me feell like that, he even yelled at me these words: how can a person can be so stupid?! Just because i decided to take another route to the airport and eventually i was right.

  • Eck

    July 12, 2019

    Thank you so much for writing and sharing your experiences. I was with this this guy for 6 years. For the first 1-3 years he was like an angel to me but the first time he called me names until now he would always call me stupid for not understanding. He always tells me I’m only over acting to the small issues we have but I was just only telling him that it hurting me but he keeps answering me “blahblablah you’re just oa oa oa” whenever he sees me crying he keeps on mocking me. Always invalidating how I feel. But whenever he tells me how he feels I keep on listening to everything he says. I broke up with him because he choose his friends over me even if I didn’t make any choices for him. He even disrespects his mom, breaks my heart having to hear him calling her mom stupid. The way he was treating me starting to be like the way he treats her mom. Breaks my heart for loving this kind of person. The last time we talked was the time my aunt died and I needed the money I lend him. But after I told him told me “what money?” I told him that do I still need to adjust? He shouted at me “don’t fucking disturb me! I will pay you dumbass! So stupid! Don told waste my time!!” After reading your article before this happened I realized that this person doesn’t deserve the sacrifices I made, that he’s only good when he needs my help, I blocked him in social media destroyed my SIM card and now I thank you so much as the days goes by I don’t get to feel hurt too much. But still saddens me because I really love that person. But i won’t expect anymore I made my decision to love my self more more than anyone. Lucky him I’m here crying over him while he’s having time enjoying his self. I decided not to cry. I will make my self so happy that even if he comes back to me I wouldnt mind ignoring him. You helped me a lot that’s why I’m thanking you from the bottom of my heart

  • Dave

    September 19, 2019

    Thank you for posting this. I love this story and the outcome. I am so happy you found yourself and made the realizations you did. I discovered this post accidentally, after my girlfriend called me dense during an argument/disagreement and I immediately drew the line, stating that if she ever did that again, I wouldn’t become a nice person toward her. She learned her lesson and feels bad, so I’m not digging it in…but why do people feel as if they can insult another person like this? This is an infraction on her part and I won’t hold it against her, but seriously…why do people feel the need to insult others like this?

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