Life, Personal

Why I’m no longer afraid to be myself

…and why you shouldn’t be either.

It was during middle school when I felt the most self-conscious.

Not only were my peers giving me awkward stares at my beastly legs and budding chest, but they started filtering out the loners and the oddballs from the group.

And I didn’t want to risk being alone.

So I made a vow to myself,

Don’t ever f*** up or make a fool of yourself. Because if you do, nobody’s gonna be by your side.

It was from that point when I began to change the person in me.

I pretended to like things everyone else liked.

Coach bags were in!

I stopped eating the foods I loved and opted for the salad bowl (which to be honest, never felt satisfying).

Just a plain tomato avocado salad… (cheated with some chicken)

I forced myself to put on makeup everyday.

I accepted every invite I received, even when I didn’t feel like going.

Whispering in my sister’s ear, how I wished I was at home instead of eating dim sum (AGAIN).

Any weird habits or obsessions I had — like eating soggy McDonald fries and “filing” nails on my chin — I hid it from sight.

It just wasn’t worth sticking out like a sore thumb and getting rejected. For not fitting in with people’s perception of what’s “cool”.

But one day…

I got mad at myself. For laughing when someone told me my writing was meant for ‘commoners’. For pretending I was okay and happy when deep down inside, I felt like s***.

And I just couldn’t forgive myself this time. I had to stop. Otherwise, I’d just end up being unhappy all the time — not being able to express how I really feel.

So gradually, I began to voice my thoughts. In person. Through my writing. About things I’d never say outloud.

It was tough. And occasionally I’d get some serious backlash from those who couldn’t understand what I wanted to say.

Comment from my post: What China has taught me about respect

But if this is what it takes to be completely honest with myself, then by all means, I’m sticking with it. Because at the end of the day, you can’t expect people to love you for who you are if you’re constantly putting up a front.

Be real with yourself. Let go of your emotions. And tell the world who you really are.

It’s your life. Live it your way.

That said, if you want to know more about who I really am, I made this special video for you. 🙂

Published by Tiffany

I’m fighting to rebuild my life by doing the things I never dreamed of doing. Now in Southeast Asia, writing my journey.

 

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